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Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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00:55 - In my mouff!
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| Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
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00:11 - OMMFCSGBBQ!
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| Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004
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03:59 - Proof
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I was not sure how long it had been, but long enough that I didn't recognize some parts. Was I ever there? Did these events ever happen? It's all starting to fade away just as those that came before. Deep in dream you can be convinced of just about anything, entire parts of your life rewritten or obliterated all together. Sometimes with such veracity do dreams warp your memory as to maintain their hold for a brief moment upon regaining lucidity. Knowing that, am I perhaps just awakening?
And in a spark of realization it all becomes clear. It did in fact happen, all of it.
Proof is not in thought; I was here, not because of thought, but because it was noticed when I was not.
Thanks, to all those who noticed. . .
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-speak-
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| Thursday, September 30th, 2004
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03:15 - Forbidden Words List
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Originally I started the forbidden words list in response to ridiculous overuse of the word robust in the Java programing classes I took my freshman year of college. Over the years I have expanded the list to include phrases as well specific connotations of words. Below are my five favorite, and by favorite I mean most hated, items on the list.
1. ro·bust adj.
A. Full of health and strength; vigorous.
B. Powerfully built; sturdy. See Synonyms at healthy.
C. Requiring or suited to physical strength or endurance: robust labor.
D. Rough or crude; boisterous: a robust tale.
E. Marked by richness and fullness; full-bodied: a robust wine.
My hatred of the word robust can be summed up in my first week of class for CS127a. On Tuesday my instructor informs us that Java is a robust program language. This is somewhat perplexing to me as I cannot understand how the word robust can be applied to an incorporeal entity, but perhaps I'm just mincing words. On Thursday we break into smaller groups led by a TA, who goes on to tell us about how robust Java is. If by robust he means a lot of overhead even for the simplest of programs, than yes I agree. On Friday I'm working on our homework assignment in the lab, when the student using the terminal next to me blurts out "oh my God Java is so robust!". No he wasn't being facetious, and yes that's what he actually said.
2. di·va n.
A. An operatic prima donna.
B. A very successful singer of nonoperatic music: a jazz diva.
I assume the way this word originally wormed it's way into common use is through reference to prominent female singers. The problem is that no one seems to understand that the word is limited to that particular type of woman. If one were to infer meaning through the use of the word diva over the past seven years or so they would see a gradual transition from A very successful singer of nonoperatic music to A person of the female gender who has attained a modest amount of success as a singer, actress, dancer, is really pretty, is somewhat attractive, dresses really nice, doesn't dress nice but clearly spends a lot of money on her outfits, is liked by other women, is respected by other women, is tolerated by other women, is hated by other women but is found attractive by men, is not found attractive by men but has big tits, does not have big tits but is easy, or has been featured on Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra, Celebrity Justice, or Judge Mathis. By my calculations, approximately 78% of women can be classified as divas under this definition.
3. Dave Matthews
Obviously Dave Matthews is not a word, I just put him on every exclusionary list I can. It's just common sense.
4. pro·ac·tive adj.
Acting in advance to deal with an expected difficulty
This one is a very popular. A lot of corporate whores love this word. The line that they try to feed you is that successful people/companies/presidents are proactive, not reactive. Nearest I can figure this means stab into the dark in no direction in particular and hope you hit someone disingenuous to you. Off the top of my head I can only think of one truly proactive person, and he seems to be nothing short of disaster for everyone around him.
5. tox·ins n.
A poisonous substance, especially a protein, that is produced by living cells or organisms and is capable of causing disease when introduced into the body tissues but is often also capable of inducing neutralizing antibodies or antitoxins.
This term is used by homeopathic doctors to describe any man made substance which can cause the whole myriad of "diseases" modern medical science has not been able to substantiate. Some of the more favored toxins homeopathic doctors whine about include: aspartamate, pesticides, foam insulation, and pretty much any prescription drug on the market. At this moment I would like to draw your attention to the definition of toxin above which denotes toxin as any poisonous substance produced by living cells.
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-2 echoes | speak-
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| Tuesday, September 21st, 2004
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01:15 - Team Mascot
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I was listening to Talk of the Nation today. The basic premise of today's show was Native Americans airing their grivences. One in particular was the use of racial slurs or stereotypes in professional team names such as the Washington Redskins. They made the point that slurs such as this had become excepted in our society, including the Native American community. At first I really couldn't understand why it was so offensive to them. After all, it's not as if we were still distributing blankets infected with small pox. However, their outrage became clear to me once a different racial stereotype is applied. For instance, the San Antonio Wetbacks I'm guessing wouldn't go over too well. Nor would the New Jersey Kikes, the San Francisco Fudge Packers, the Los Vegas VDs, and don't forget the Detroit Niggers, gooooooooo Niggers!
The problem becomes even more apparent on the international level. The 2008 Summer Olympics in Cairo, with the new Olympic mascot Yuusuf the Camel Fucker.
In otherwords, just change the goddamn name already.
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-speak-
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| Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
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02:41 - Please Please For The Love of God
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One billion theoretical dollars to the person who can get me footage of Bush's speech writer at the moment he says: "OBGYNs can't practice their love with women all across this country".
Also, come down to Best Buy and make a death threat to one of our technicians, we'll give you 50% off.
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-3 echoes | speak-
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| Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
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20:09 - The Rant
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the stranger: Why urine?
the eye:
Because it was the only readily available acid, and could be easily used to remove impurities from the lead.
the stranger: Oh.....hey who's that?
the eye: You're kidding right? You don't recognize him?
the stranger: No
the eye: That's the rant. You've seriously never seen him before?
the stranger: No I--
the rant:
If I see one more middle aged white person dressed in twenty-something clothes running their goddamn mouth about chicken selects... And to the fuck at McDonald's that thinks they've stumbled upon anything that hasn't been discovered in the past five hundred years: It's chicken strips you stupid douche, breaded chicken that's been deep fried I wouldn't worry about rushing off to the patent office before 5pm.
the eye: . . .
the stranger: he kinda looks like me
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-1 echo | speak-
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| Sunday, July 25th, 2004
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23:30 - Sean Penn
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Until recently Sean Penn was all but unknown to me. This first Sean Penn movie I ever saw was 21 Grams, a critically acclaimed but decidedly disappointing movie for me. Regardless, when I discovered the amount of hatred Sean Penn seems to garner among movie patrons I was somewhat perplexed, as I did not see anything in his performance that would lead me to feel one way or the other about him. Now after just seeing Mystic River I am again perplexed. What is it about this man that people hate? Thus, the only solution was to post the question to all the Sean Penn haters out there. Why do you hate Sean Penn so much?
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-5 echoes | speak-
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| Saturday, July 17th, 2004
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12:28 - Awesome?
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| Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
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02:07
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| Sunday, June 13th, 2004
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19:35 - Quizfection Spreads
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how appropriate
| How to make a Ryn |
Ingredients:
1 part jealousy
3 parts crazyiness
3 parts empathy |
Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Serve with a slice of caring and a pinch of salt. Yum! |
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-speak-
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| Sunday, April 25th, 2004
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00:24 - another worthwhile waste of time
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| Saturday, April 24th, 2004
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01:15 - character development
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the stranger: so what you're saying is I'd be completely screwed.
the eye: pretty much yeah.
the stranger: that's what I thought.
the eye: ...
the stranger: ...
the eye: hey stranger?
the stranger: yeah?
the eye: how long have we known each other?
the stranger almost five years by my count
the eye: you do remember the first time we met don't you?
the stranger: indeed, though I will recount it for the benefit of those who don't know.
the eye: but there's--
the stranger: trust me, there is.
* * *
It was the first time I had managed to reach the summit of Mt Bitterhorn, When I finally pulled myself up over the edge, it had been almost 36 hours since I had eaten. I was bloody, bruised, but triumphant none the less.
the eye: Well it's about time.
the stranger: Who the hell are you?
the eye: I'm the reason you're up here.
the stranger Impossible, you have no boobs.
the eye: Ha ha, quite true, but I know why you're here
the stranger: Do you now?
the eye: You wish to cut yourself off from the rest of the world, but I can tell you from experience that is not the solution.
the stranger: That would almost seem creepy If I could be sure my desires were unique within my demographic, which I'm sure they are decidedly less than.
the eye: Right again.
the stranger: So you said that this is not the solution to my problem, then what is?
the eye:
Take stock in the fault of others. To see others as imperfect beings validates your own imperfections. This summit is actually and excellent place to do so. Observe, the amount of alcohol that man has consumed has made him unaware that the person servicing him is a him as well.
the stranger: I see...Hey look that woman in the movie theater is giving two handjobs at the same time!
the eye: well done nameless whore...well done.
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-2 echoes | speak-
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| Monday, April 19th, 2004
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10:19
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So I saw Kill Gabe Volume 2 the other day. Probably the only time when I can say that the sequel was better then the original.
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-2 echoes | speak-
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| Saturday, March 27th, 2004
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18:29 - Hooray fetus!
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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15:24 - Adrift
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the oracle: is that fear I feel stranger?
the stranger: perhaps, but confusion to be certain.
the oracle: oh?
the stranger:
I have been aware of the growing nihilistic trend within me, though up until this point it had been merely superficial.
the oracle: you feel guilty then?
the stranger:
no, that's just it I don't feel anything. I thought at first perhaps that I would have let them go to see them die, or that I didn't care about the innocents they might hurt. The truth of the matter is that I am having a hard time finding any emotion on the moment, It was just blank.
the oracle: you do feel guilty then.
the stranger:
I feel as though I should feel bad about this, so on some level I must, shouldn't I? Or is it only because I betrayed myself?
the oracle:
were you truly devoid of emotion, you would not have come here. stick to the eye's advice, integration not suppression, it applies just as much to passion as dispassion.
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-speak-
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| Saturday, March 13th, 2004
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23:15 - The usual suspects
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the stranger:
for someone having such a tenuous grasp on his sense of self, I can assure you it was disconcerting to say the least.
the eye: that you could no longer pair emotion with event?
the stranger: indeed.
the eye: permit me to put forth a theory.
the stranger: a theory? you?
the eye: theory by my standards, mandate by yours I'm sure.
the stranger: I'm listening.
the eye:
the resultant of all human behavior ultimately lies in emotion, thus to think yourself in absolute control is nothing short of foolish.
the stranger: You are saying it's hopeless?
the eye:
I am saying trying to completely suppress it will always result in failure followed by another juvenile self-hatred session. You were on the right track, don't fight it, use it. You are not the other man, dispassion is not who you are.
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-speak-
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| Sunday, March 7th, 2004
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02:05 - Summit of Mt. Bitterhorn: 2300 hours
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the stranger: Slight change of plans.
the metrosexual: They're not coming are they?
the stranger:
Oh they're coming, well not all of them, as usual the tower skipped out at the last minute.
the metrosexual: Goddammit, do you have any idea how much I spent on the pate!
the stranger:
Relax...as I said the others will be here, just not as soon as we thought, and when the do get here they're going to be tired and hungry and will need our help. So put that pate on ice, we wouldn't want it to spoil now would we.
the metrosexual: Stranger it's 20 below zero up here.
the stranger: So it is!
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-speak-
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| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
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00:48 - Mr. Wonderful
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In my time at Walgreen's I saw people go out the door with a lot of crap. The space in front of the registers was packed full of items which served neither function or desire. Instead they were designed to set a cascade of neurons in such a pattern as to make you think you wanted to buy them. For instance a pair of lips which whistled when you squeezed them, or a talking bottle opener. The secret is to craft the items in such a way as to make the word “cute” fly out of your mouth when you pick it up. As long as it's moderately priced your odds of buying it are fairly high.
The undisputed king of such items was the Mr. Wonderful doll.
The design concept was to create the man the every woman wishes she had, tall, handsome, and most of all he knows just what to say. Pressing his hand will result in him spewing out 16 insincere phrases such as:
-You know honey, why don't you just relax and let me make dinner tonight.
-The ball game isn't really that important, I'd rather spend time with you.
-Why don't we go to the mall, didn't you want some new shoes?
-You know, I think it's really important that we talk about our relationship
-You've been on my mind all day. That's why I bought you these flowers.
-Here, you take the remote, as long as I'm with you, I don't care what we watch.
We couldn't keep the things on the shelves. Women loved them. Every day you could hear the 8 bit angelic voice reverberating throughout the store. So what does this mean. Should we as men follow Mr. Wonderful's example? Is it really that easy to make the women in our life happy? No it goes far beyond that. The lesson that Mr. Wonderful teaches us goes beyond love, beyond gender. What we can learn from him is that above all else, we want people to tell us exactly what we want to hear, to say nothing of sincerity
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-speak-
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
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13:28 - American History
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To those who have never read this, enjoy. For those who have read this, it's worth reading again. Not quite the man portrayed in grade school, though genuinely entertaining.
Benjamin Franklin, Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745).
June 25, 1745
My dear Friend,
I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.
But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:
i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.
4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding2 only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!
Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.
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